the not-so exciting queer adventures

• 2012-05-06

  

  skagerak:

  butterfly-boy:

  …

  this
  this

  Which is why I used to be so scared of being perceived as even slightly feminine. I don’t really give a shit anymore if people mistake me for a girl because I know i’m not.

  Source: ftm-problems

• 2012-05-05

  Lately I tried to look at my period differently. Like its something beautiful and a part of me. I try not to label my uterus as a female organ because I am not female.

  I wake up and notice the irregular stain of dried blood in my underwear when I go to the bathroom. I observe the variance in color. My cats are milling around my legs, eagerly smelling the blood. The moment is almost primal, and raw. I drag my fingers along my vulva and cover my fingers in blood. I don’t know why but in that moment it struck me as beautiful.

  I wash it off my fingers and down the drain it goes. The toilet bowl is equally stained with blood and the water is red.

  It hurts. It hurts like fuck but I am somehow comforted in the beauty of blood shedding from my body.

  A lot of the pain comes from shame I think. These moronic Christian ideas that a menstruating person is unclean. Why should I abide to this oppression? I should not feel shame for a natural thing in my body.

  It’s not unclean.

  I am not unclean.

• 2012-05-03

  

  dearcispeople:

  Please don’t assume that I am trying to “pass” as Cis-gendered or try to give me advice on “passing” when I haven’t asked for it. Automatically assuming that all Trans* people want to ‘pass’ helps to enforce a cis-centric beauty standard that is very difficult and often hugely expensive to attain.

  (via dogslug)

  Source: dearcispeople

• 2012-04-15

  That sudden shake and nervous writhing in your gut when you come out to an old friend and you have no idea how they are going to react.

  DEEP BREATHS.

• 2012-04-02

  

  Source: dearcispeople

• →

  

  (via sirpaahdin)

  Source: dearcispeople

• 2012-03-28

  This isn’t really related to anything trans per say, moreso my general health, I’m just not comfortable writing anything on my main blog about anything that’ll give my birth sex away (you know, it’s my own business)

  It’s happening again.
  The fucking monster PMS. It started yesterday, I started feeling like shit when I was outside (with the terrible anxiety and panic, and not to mention my body felt like it was collapsing from the inside)

  When I got home, I parked my sore ass in bed and had pretty extreme stomach cramps, that felt and behaved just like period cramps (alleviated by heat and orgasm)
  I was so fucking tired, got hot and cold flashes, the works. It literally feels like I am sick with a cold, or a flu. Headache, nausea, body pain, and not to mention I felt extremely depressed and like I was going to burst into tears at any second (and I still do, I have a gross cry-lump in my throat for nothing.)

  I googled “PMS and flu-like symptoms” (because I literally feel sick for 1-2 weeks every month and it certainly doesn’t help the quality of my life or my actual depression) and I actually got some result. Apparently your immune system weakens when you have PMS, and the hormone swings can cause actual cold/flu symptoms and worsen IBS (wow how nice!!)

  SO YEAH

  looks like I am just going to have to deal with this shit. it is so fucking unfair. SO FUCKING UNFAIR, I DIDN’T FUCKING ASK TO BE BORN WITH A GODDAMN FAULTY UTERUS. I want to cry but I have errands to run 8)

• 2012-03-14

  A tiny black hair appeared on my chest.

  I have a “happy trail” made of peach fuzz all the way from my crotch and up to my chest where it sort of spreads out (I think this is the blueprint to how hairy i will get once I start T) and today I discovered to much joy, that I had a single black hair growing between my tits. I got so excited, and being the dumb fuck that I am, I started to poke it.

  I ended up pulling out my single chest hair.

  I am sad now :(

• 2012-02-19

  Today is one of those days when I am incredibly dysphoric about my face. I am constantly touching it, constantly observing myself in the mirror and wishing I didn’t look the way I do.

  Too smooth, too girly, too soft.
  I want the bones to grow and I want my furrows to become deeper, and I just REALLY want facial hair. The reason I am so obsessed with beards in the first place, except for the fact that it’s an obviously masculine and virile trait, is that I am so jealous.

  So incredibly jealous.

  It hurts that I can’t have it. I am weeping with anger and trying to distract myself. I didn’t ask to be born like this. I can accept and love the hell out of my vagina, but I cannot for the life of me come to peace with my smooth face and high-pitched voice. I really wish I could. It’s going to take a long time before I can start with T.

  I shaved. It’s not really a lot to shave, since it’s just more or less dark peach fuzz, but when I am done it feels satisfying somehow. It feels okay to be bare-faced if you just shaved…

  I have a million thoughts right now, but they are all so scattered I cannot catch them at all.

  Oh yes, another thing really pissed me off recently, and that is policing on how to act as a “man”.
  I have seen lists on how to act to be read as a man, and they include taking more space, talking louder, sitting with your legs apart etc.
  Maybe I am overreacting, but I have seen a lot of backlash against this, that it’s just reinforcing binary and etc. I can agree to a certain degree, but if you want to sit with your legs apart and talk loudly because it makes you comfortable, FUCKING DO SO!
  Policing goes two ways, I am personally very ‘male’ in my body language and it sure as hell does not make me some sort of misogynist, and I am as far from the binary as you come, really.

• 2012-01-27

  gay-for-nygard:

  vaginastuff:

  My first real boyfriend told me my vulva was “hideous”.

  He said it with such flippancy that I wondered if it had been on the tip of his tongue for a long time. If he had always thought it. If he had felt disgusted every time he pressed his face into it and got my juices on his chin.

  Hideous.

  I looked at my inner labia and wondered what I had done to myself to make them so big. Why did I look so different from the women in movies? In magazines? On the internet? Why did mine have to be so gross?

  Hideous.

  I cried that night until he apologized. “Just a joke” — the first of many times my feelings would be dismissed with the same excuse. A pattern. It isn’t until times like these — times when I think about someone new finding themselves face to face with my vulva, seeing all of it, that I get scared. And I remember the look on his face and his voice and how terrible it felt to hear the person I love make such an insensitive comment about my body. About parts of my body I couldn’t change without a large sum of money and a scalpel.

  Hideous.

  I remember the first time I took off my pants and placed my feet in the stirrups for a doctor. I remember waiting to hear the news that there was something wrong with me — a deformity, an abnormality, something. But nothing happened, nothing came. As I wiped away the speculum’s lubricant and got dressed, I wondered if perhaps the doctor was just too polite to mention it.

  Hideous.

  It wasn’t until I found this blog and others like it that I began to realize that my vulva was in fact perfectly normal. More than normal — on a good day I even dare to think it’s beautiful.

  But I still get scared and still feel ashamed sometimes. It’s a process. But I’m happy to have this outlet to tell my story — and to remember that since that first insensitive case of bad humor, I’ve never once had a complaint about the look of my vulva. Lots of compliments, but no more complaints.

  - Ness

  I will drop kick any motherfucker who insults my genitals.

  This reminds me of some people I was sexually involved with in my insecure youth. I cannot even count on my fingers how many times I have been called “repulsive” because of the way my genitals look. And not to mention my chest! (saggy, flabby, old lady tits, etc) There people (all of them men) all thought it was okay to say this to me, I have even been asked to do labiaplasty(?) because “it looks so fucking disgusting”
  All this because I do not look like the typical person involved in pornography I guess?

  Of course I was too young and insecure to say anything. In fact, I agreed with them. I did look repulsive.

  I hated my vagina for so many years, but that hatred grew into acceptance, the acceptance grew to love. Realizing that everyone looks different really helped. It’s really just as dumb at thinking a male-bodied person is disgusting because he has a lot of foreskin and his penis is bent or something.

  God, it pisses me off to think about.

  (via gay-for-nygard-deactivated20120)

  Source: vaginastuff