the not-so exciting queer adventures

• 2013-05-05

  no one is ever really surprised when I come out, I told a guy I used to date yesterday that I’m transsexual and he just casually said “I had that figured out”

  I can’t shock anyone with this which is nice I guess

• 2013-03-26

  apparently you can get a hysterectomy without removing your ovaries (and thus, your body can produce it’s own estrogen and if you wish to ever reproduce, you can still harvest eggs.

  that’s pretty neat. never having to have periods again, fear accidental pregnancy or get PCOS or anything like that.

  i wonder if i can talk to my gynaecologist about this, I might have the pre-stage to cervical cancer and it seems i’m getting fully sedated if i am to remove part of my cervix and man, it would be so neat to remove the rest of this shit as well!

  as much as i like the primal and earthly feeling of bleeding, like i feel fully alive in a way, it also gets in the way (I feel like shit, intense cramps, passing out, nausea, etc) and i’m so overly sensitive to birth control i can’t take it.

  maybe i can talk to the gender therapist later on.
  this idea appeals to me a lot.

• 2013-02-21

  Questions I asked Before Transition

  journeyintomanhood:

  Before I began my transition I did a lot of self-reflection. There was a lot I had to figure out. I had to wade through 16 years of life, experiences, and thoughts to get to the real problem. I asked myself the following questions to figure this all out. 

  1) Do I experience physical dysphoria based on my biological sex? 

  2) Could any of this be a product of how society treats women and men? 

  3) Is there anyway I’m feeling this because of my sexual orientation?

  4) Is there anyway I’m feeling this because I’m not feminine? 

  5) Can I continue to live if it is as a woman? 

  I think it’s important to do a lot of self-reflection before starting your transition, and by this I mean just coming out and living as a man, I went through another process when starting medical transition. 

  ah yes, this is good.

  coming out and living as a man is completely different to doing an actual physical transition, and the feelings and reflections of these are different.
  some people only do one the first once, and contrary to popular belief, it doesn’t make them less of a man than anyone who decides to take testosterone.

  the last one is the most important, i think. and for me personally, the answer was always a resillient “no”.

  I looked back in old journals and diaries, and I always refer to myself as having no gender, or being male (except for this short period when i tried so hard to be female)

  Source: journeyintomanhood

• 2013-02-13

  now i remember why i don’t hang around the typical “trans community”

  it’s just this square box where everyone has a fauxhawk or buzzed hair and polo shirt and change their names to ayden or something like that.

  haha, seriously.

• 2013-02-12

  when I have to correct people to call me “he” it’s sometimes even more painful than before I came out in every public space and to every person because I know they think of me as female anyway so what’s even the point?

  I’m whining a lot lately and gaining weight has made me so dysphoric, my body is no longer androgynous, it is just feminine.

• 2013-02-11

  the more real it gets, the more it hurts

• 2013-02-09

  and i FINALLY, after one fucking year and a little more, have my second appointment regarding my transition

  not that it was slow or anything

  and now i have yet another thing to be gutwreckingly nervous about

  oh boy

• 2013-02-08

  hahaha @ people telling me that my hair looks ‘masculine’

  having brightly dyed dreadlocks and orange bangs makes me look like a chick, and if you say otherwise it’s just because you’re afraid to hurt my itty bitty feelings

  trust me

  i KNOW it makes me look really feminine, no need to tell me “omg ivan, your hair looks so manly”

  yeah, if i shave some parts of it, i’ll look a bit more masculine but right now it doesn’t

  NO NEED TO SUGARCOAT IT

  I also know my ass and hips make me look like some kind of fertility goddess, no need to point out that my ass “looks like it could belong to a man” because it doesn’t.

  stop fucking telling me i look masculine to make me feel better, when i clearly don’t.

  god i hate it when people do white lies just to make someone else feel better.

• 2013-01-28

  it kind of feels like a kick in the groin when part of the whole therapy and transition progress involves “living as your desired gender for a year”

  for a year

  ONE YEAR

  THE DEFINITION OF BEING TRANSSEXUAL IS LIVING AS YOUR “DESIRED GENDER” THE WHOLE TIME I HAVE COME OUT AND DONE IT FOR YEARS

  I would never go to a trans therapist and refer to myself as a she or use my birth name or something

  today is awful btw, another one if my friends is starting hormones and I am jealous to the point of despair. I need to do this. I can’t live like this no matter if I get periods when I feel like gender is in your mind and soul, my body dysphoria catches up with me. I try to avoid doing irreversable things but…yeah no I can never be a fully complete person without facial hair and a deep voice and a manlier face and physique I just can’t and I wish it didn’t have to be that way I don’t want to be a man I want to be a woman because I have the body of a woman and it would make my life tenfold easier if I didn’t choke up and cry myself to sleep when a stranger refers to me as a “she”.

  I wish I could be okay with the mind and social transitioning, using a packer and stp but I’m not. If anything, it almost made it worse in the long run because its just a constant reminder

  and it hurts

  oh it hurts

• 2013-01-21

  Been crying all too much about lack of facial hair. all too much. The scenario of being misgendered as a girl in the grocery store sticks in my head and it hurts like shit. Honestly, I don’t even know what the fuck is wrong with me sometimes.

  I just wish my face was more angular. I want hairy knuckles. Belly fat instead of thigh fat. I want a deep voice because my voice betrays me so much. I hate it. I hate talking. I hate it.

  And I’m scared of what other people think - even if it’s irrelevant - the last thing I want someone to tell me is that I’m “not trans” because I still don’t know if transitioning is the right thing for me. I just don’t want my mind to change. I still want to me. My brain is perfect, it’s my body that’s wrong.
  It’s body modification I want to do. I don’t know if that counts as “real trans” or not, I don’t fucking care, this has nothing to do with gender roles, this has to do with MY BODY.

  I came out to one of my friends.

  He didn’t really get it at first.

  He thought I had a penis, but that I needed testosterone because I was a cis guy with insufficient testosterone levels. That really cheered me up.